One foot out…

So the last post was a bit of a sad one so here’s one that will hopefully have a good outcome.

Since that last post, a new part of me has begun to emerge. It’s what I feel I’ve been missing all these years and suddenly, a light went on. As I tell more people and be more open about it, the consequences are lesser meaning people are more accepting. I’ve realized that I’m a transman. I am taking the steps to start moving into that life which will not be that much more different than how it is now. Yes my outer appearance will change over time but if appearances shouldn’t matter to those who see your heart. As long as your heart follows the path of goodness, then your light shall not dim. I’ve told a couple of family members and close friends.

The question I may/have gotten is ‘Why not just continue to be a lesbian?’ Well there are four parts that form the sexual aspects of humans: Sexual identity, sexual orientation, gender identity and gender. My sexual identity is that I’m attracted to women but my gender identity is aligned in the male spectrum. My orientation is straight from my gender identity point but from my biological gender, I’m viewed as a lesbian which isn’t correct in regards to me.
Sexual Identity: attracted to women
Sexual Orientation: straight
Gender Identity: male
Gender: female
Sexuality isn’t black and white anymore. I know so many people who have redefined sexuality on so many levels. In this day and age, nothing is unheard of. But don’t focus on what will be in my pants or what I do in the bedroom. Focus on the core of who I am. A lot of you may realize I’m not going to be all that different.

The beginning…….

So I had signed up for this awhile back but then life happened. Work, friends, dating. The normal things. Here recently, I’ve met people that have sparked a change that I need to allow to happen or else I’ll be stuck where I am. Isn’t life about growing and evolving from inside to the out? I know its been said many times before in many ways so it isn’t some miraculous epiphany that will change the world.

So I want to reveal some things that only few people know of. Its something that somehow, some way affects everyone, directly or indirectly. I’m not looking for sympathy or using it as a crutch to excuse my behavior. I don’t want to hide anymore, I’m not ashamed and I think talking about it will lift some of this weight off of me and allow me to continue to grow and change for the better.

During my childhood, my father was in and out of my life, never was able to provide stability for me. He had a few times when he found someone to put up with his bullshit so he would parade us in front of the new woman, acting as if he was father of the year. No, he was far from it but it’s a mask for him that eventually came off and people saw him for who he really was. He was not the most understanding person and prior to my hearing loss diagnosis, he would lash out at me physically when he thought I wasn’t listening. I was diagnosed around the age of 2 so from a year old to 2, he’d put his hands on me. Not just a simple spanking either because I got those from my mom. No, this was more like pure anger and it still happened as I got older. I was sort of the scapegoat if you will. It wasn’t just him either, his wife after he and my mom were divorced, she treated me like I was dirt. I was always dirty after visiting them, hungry. Once she made us eat outside in the summer and we had bologna and mayo. I got sick from that because the mayo was old and it was so hot out. My mom asked me years later why I kept going back. I think it was because I felt like my father would hate me so I felt like if I went and would be good for him, he’d be proud of me and would show me affection but that wasn’t the case.

A lot of the times I would go with him, my older half sister would go too. I thought she would protect me but she didn’t. She actually would add to my torment in the form of sexual abuse. You know how growing up, kids play ”house” with a mom, dad and kids? Well it was harmless fun and nothing to it. Well, ”house” with my sister took on a different meaning. She would have me play the husband role and do things to please her. There was fondling, kissing. It never got too extreme but it was enough for her to threaten me. She would tell me if I told anyone, they would know it was my fault and they would hate me. One time, I had told her I would tell our grandfather. She then proceeded to tell me that he would blame me and he would hate me enough to never see me again. Now to a 6 year old, that’s fucking terrifying to have your fami.y hate you so I kept my mouth shut. For 17 years, I kept quiet. It slowly started bubbling to the surface. I was diagnosed with depression in high school because I had said I was going to kill myself. I know there’s a statistic about how many people follow through after stating that they want to kill themselves. It eventually became a harmful secret to me not only psychologically but physically as well. I attempted to o.d. on pills and as a result of that, I spent 11 days in a place where I could express my feelings without consequences. It helped being able to talk about it amongst strangers, people who wouldn’t pass judgement. I no longer allowed myself to be a victim. I spoke up and told some of my family members. When she was confronted with it, she didn’t deny that it had happened. We no longer have contact and that’s my choice. She’s a destructive force that would be a hindrance to my life. I’m speaking out because I’m not ashamed and I want this to stay in my past and allow me to forge a brighter future.
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