Something happened tonight that made me step back and think about how not everyone in this world will look at me as if there is something wrong with me. Rather they will see me for me. This sort of mindset could and will damage any sort of relationship and I know this, This is something I work on every day. The thing of it is, what caused me to react in a way that wasn’t necessitated for the situation wasn’t anything malicious or mean spirited on her end. It was a playful conversation that I took out of proportion and now she’s scared. Scared of having history repeating itself and being unhappy in a situation that she doesn’t have to be in. I don’t want to be that person that causes her unhappiness. Actually the opposite. I want to make her happy.
Granted, it’s still in the beginning but this woman is remarkable, awesome, kind and nonjudgmental because here I am, a pre-op transman with a hearing loss and some fucked up history(I use those because those are the things I’ve been looked down upon for by others) but she doesn’t see that. She sees my heart and what a good person I am. I feel like I’m who I truly am whenever I’m hanging out with her. It’s hard to find people who you can be yourself, truly yourself with. So I’ve got some work to do. I don’t know what the future holds for me but I want a brighter, happier future and not holding onto this notion of people always judging before giving them a chance.
Tomorrow is a new day. A new beginning.