It’s something that has weighed on my mind a lot since disclosing my trans status. How do I say goodbye to myself?

 I know for the last 26 years, 4 months and 3 days, those in my life have known me as ‘Taylor Jaelyn Avants’. But that’s their daughter, sister, aunt, niece,granddaughter and friend. I need to leave part of her behind but not all of her. She helped get me to where I am now and I appreciate her for that. As I begin crossing into the person that will carry me on this journey and for the rest of my life, I start discarding pieces of her. Her memories will always remain as they are but it’ll be like watching someone else’s home movies.

The best parts of her will still remain: heart, soul, spirit. The outside may change in many ways but the inside, the core of who she is will shine through him. He will not forget. You can mourn for the fact that she will step back into the shadows and remain there but also celebrate the emergence of who I truly am.

My family will be hit the hardest when I fully disclose my transgender status to everyone. I will write a letter to my mother. A letter explaining why her daughter will fall back away from sight and her son will come into the light. It will say that I will still be her child, that will never change but the skin doesn’t match who I feel in my soul that I truly am. She will be allowed to mourn the loss but I hope in time that her love for me as her child will heal that and realize that the only thing that will change is the physical but not to put so much emphasis on that. Focus on the inner beauty of a person and in time the outer appearance will become beautiful.

My name is Jaekub Taege Avants.

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One response »

  1. Kelly McGill says:

    a friend of mine that went through this had a series of “goodbye” ceremonies (almost like memorial services) that helped her go through the final transitions. your mama knows. include her in the goodbye if she’s up to it. she’s raised lots of boys 🙂 she knows what to do. i have loved you since you were the gawky 10 year old i coached in soccer. love , hugs, & light! -Kelly McGill

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